endless thoughts.

these thoughts no matter what i do to get rid of them they continually roam in my mind that yearns to be empty. is it because that wall of brick inside me is so strong its nearly impossible to break through? TO not go to others for comfort, for advise for a shoulder to cry on..why bother. I have teddy bears to comfort me, I have my past to give me advice, and my own shoulder to cry on..why bother dragging them in, even if they care? I don't want them to care. Selfish as I am I'd rather hide behind this wall and run away from it to stay as far away as possible from the person on the other side. finding a corner where i can be alone 100% and truly express my feelings...

the feeling of sadness. just continues to eat me up even more each day. the sadness of no freedom no choice, no power over my own life. The pain of this heart beating, the pain of feeling heartless. the water drops falling from each eye, the cry of a child...the will to hold back from watery eyes...the cold feeling..shivering..wanting to jump in the lake and forever be alone with never having to go through the pain...

The feeling of not caring. continues to hit me back. feeling emotionless,weak, and weary..the migraines of forgetting and not thinking. Not listening, ignoring each word yet somehow processing it in my brain and thoughts..the feeling of hurt, just pure hurt. no words can describe it. no eye can see it, no one will ever be able to understand even a bit...

the feeling of hate. towards not other but myself. to ridicule and be someone I am not. To intentionally try to explain myself, knowing they'll never get it, no matter how simple. Weakened by it; falling to the ground. ...blaming and taking responsibility for each thing...

the feeling of love. to choose what it is that I love most. To make decisions, to sacrifice. To yearn for someone. Seeing doubles and not singles. Always being a single affects me a bit. Trying to forget that I am a third wheel..trying to be with the one I want to be with. Impossible. knowing there's more out there for each one. not being confident in being a good person to him. lost it all...somehow it's lost nad hasnt come back. To decide to never love a stranger so much. Why bother? One will go first and it'll be painful. Saving the pai,n I'd rather go solo, that way no one gets hurt. Thus, no matter how much i love you, I'll never be with you..because there's no point.

one horrible day made up for a call-in sick day!

yes a long title but just at a friends chilling, and NOT working. Even though I am suppose to be..I didn't have the guts to call in sick yesterday because some other guy got a day off..lol either way it's not going to be busy, I bet you anything xD hahaha yesterday wasn't bust but we got enough customers to kill time..still I wanted to go home before 11pm. stinky cleaning up hahaha. yes getting to relax and chill with people I havent seen in a while~ Time to find a new job too! ...and I still haven't called in sick ..gotta lie lol but i am kind of sick but sick enough to go out hahaha...ok this is weird..feels like im talking to myself.

Had a great weekend, after work saturday went out to bubble tea, then sunday spent time at playdium with my baby brother and friends. The mens hockey game was on T.V. and funny thing is my friend was playing this game to win lots of tickets and she got the jackpot..of 600 tickets! Right after Canada's got a goal in OT! it was awesome. hahaha we were all happy so a few more friends came out with us to bubble tea (i know..again lol) and had some bbt, celebrating Canada's victory...we have the most gold medals...breaking the olympic record xD which is niceee!!!!!! cars were hoking, people were screaming, canada's flag being raised high!!!! Indeed, go Canada go. We rule <3

proud Canadian ^-^v...eh xD

Years later...[joking]

So it has been quite some time since the last time I've posted. I am on a verge of breaking down from over working >.<" Finally got a cook job! hurray...no. not hurray. The people are nice and patient but the organization is horrible! The kitchen is too small to cook most of the items on the menu! No one knows where everything is! Things get moved and when orders come in we become disorganized and end up having a big mess at the end of the long, tiring day! I honestly wanted to quit after one week. Ever since the restaurant opened. I worked before the restaurant opened; just 2days earlier and I loved it. But after the grand opening I wanted to quit! Almost had a nervous breakdown during busy service -_-" it's ridiculous I tell you! I have to rant on here after ranting to several friends about such horrible working conditions! One guy pissed me of and annoyed me like no tomorrow! But he's quitting and got a job interview already..that bastard. But we are getting along better, haha. I love the chef. He's really patient and mellow and kind. But I would prefer a chef who pushes me to my limits and beyond! Someone like Chef Ramsay. There are 3owners and the chef is one of them. The other two owners annoy me also! One of them snaps and kisses his teeth a lot when food isnt being cooked or assembled quick enough -_-" The other one keeps coming in and asking for things when we are busy. She so bossy too and rude, she knows how to say thank you and excuse me but she doesn't! Seriously is she racist or something? I know she sexist. She only ask "guys" for help to carry things and never a girl [me or the other girl cooks]. It's so lame! The restaurant is sometimes quiet where we get no customers then during dinner we have all these rushes, making food for 2-4tables at once! And man oh man do these people order LOTS! On the print ticket things, it tells us how many guests are at the table. This one table with only 2 people ordered a WHOLE BUNCH of food! Seriously. They ordered portions that can feed 6people man -_-" from apps to dessert eh!

I honestly want to quit and have been contemplating. And asking others for opinions and ideas. I want to quit due to low pay [$9.50 with no OT], long hours, less sleep, and only one day off a week! I don't want to quit because I feel bad that the Chef has trained me even though I have little experience! I have no experience in korean and japanese food but I have lots of experience in italian cuisine! I studied it and worked at East Side Marios man! LOL I want to quit also so I can grow and work my way up to be lets say a sous chef. In this kitchen, we aren't "pastry cooks" "grill cook" we are just "cooks". I want to work in a kitchen with the classical brigade and of course more pay and flexible hours!

Its funny I've been only working at this restaurant for 2weeks now and I want to quit already. I don't like how he system is, the space, the pay, the hours, almost everything! I have my morals and working at this restaurant breaks my morals! Many people have told me to find a new job. Hopefully leaving this restaurant won't affect me getting another job at a restaurant! Hopefully they'll understand my reasons for leaving early....

Well, its late. I will call in sick tomorrow. I'd rather work with energy and good health then not and give bad results. Yay, kind of a day off =P hahaa Goodnight.

A piece of my mind.

It's funny how people respond to you when your feeling negative and you post it on the internet. It's rarely often that someone asks you how you are on a random day or at a random time. Things like facebook, myspace, even this blogger lets people know whats up and down in your life. Why does it take such a technical thing for people to actually care? Can they really say then that they do care? I know you can't call all your friends to say "hey, how are you?", but once in a while wouldn't hurt, would it? It's nice to hear those 3 words; no not i love you but how are you? Even if you seem happy, you could be holding back on something that's gradually making you sad, mad, confused. Maybe that's why various people listen to music or do something rather than approaching a friend for comfort, support, a ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a warm hug to ease the pain. A friend to open their arms and embrace us with love and warmth....

I'd like to think that two is better than one but...to take two one must be with one to have a two; if that makes any sense >.<" To rejoice in the many friends you have means to hurt even more with the fact that you don't think of a single one in times of needing someone for comfort. not thinking and only embracing the moment, letting it all out, to let your guard down. A dream that seems needlessly impossible for me...

It's silly how feelings can be expressed with words more so than actions...its true huh, communication is important.

Happy New Year =) [a bit late]

So, new Years wasn't what I was hoping to have happened. I just wanted to rest at home and relax; its my own tradition I do every year. At home with siblings or not doesn't matter. But we had to have a party;of course I didn't see the need to invite people since I found no point in it. On top of that I didn't want a party -_-"" Well, my older brother and sisters friends got drunk -_-" It was amusing but very annoying. I thought older people would be less idiotic when drunk; I guessed wrong. Anywho, the only thing I liked about that night was the fact that I was watching the World Junior Hockey Championship. Canada was playing against USA. It was interesting game because Canada was in the lead then tied to the USA then the USA was up by one point and finally Canada tied the score bringing it to OT and then a SO, and in the end Canada won =) The game was so awesome. but I was disappointed in how Canada was playing. The defense really aggravated me because the defense was broken more then twice! The goalie put up a good fight but I thought he could have put up a better fight against the USA. Overall the game was intense especially the shootout. Thank Goodness the last USA shooter didn't goal ^-^