endless thoughts.

these thoughts no matter what i do to get rid of them they continually roam in my mind that yearns to be empty. is it because that wall of brick inside me is so strong its nearly impossible to break through? TO not go to others for comfort, for advise for a shoulder to cry on..why bother. I have teddy bears to comfort me, I have my past to give me advice, and my own shoulder to cry on..why bother dragging them in, even if they care? I don't want them to care. Selfish as I am I'd rather hide behind this wall and run away from it to stay as far away as possible from the person on the other side. finding a corner where i can be alone 100% and truly express my feelings...

the feeling of sadness. just continues to eat me up even more each day. the sadness of no freedom no choice, no power over my own life. The pain of this heart beating, the pain of feeling heartless. the water drops falling from each eye, the cry of a child...the will to hold back from watery eyes...the cold feeling..shivering..wanting to jump in the lake and forever be alone with never having to go through the pain...

The feeling of not caring. continues to hit me back. feeling emotionless,weak, and weary..the migraines of forgetting and not thinking. Not listening, ignoring each word yet somehow processing it in my brain and thoughts..the feeling of hurt, just pure hurt. no words can describe it. no eye can see it, no one will ever be able to understand even a bit...

the feeling of hate. towards not other but myself. to ridicule and be someone I am not. To intentionally try to explain myself, knowing they'll never get it, no matter how simple. Weakened by it; falling to the ground. ...blaming and taking responsibility for each thing...

the feeling of love. to choose what it is that I love most. To make decisions, to sacrifice. To yearn for someone. Seeing doubles and not singles. Always being a single affects me a bit. Trying to forget that I am a third wheel..trying to be with the one I want to be with. Impossible. knowing there's more out there for each one. not being confident in being a good person to him. lost it all...somehow it's lost nad hasnt come back. To decide to never love a stranger so much. Why bother? One will go first and it'll be painful. Saving the pai,n I'd rather go solo, that way no one gets hurt. Thus, no matter how much i love you, I'll never be with you..because there's no point.

one horrible day made up for a call-in sick day!

yes a long title but just at a friends chilling, and NOT working. Even though I am suppose to be..I didn't have the guts to call in sick yesterday because some other guy got a day off..lol either way it's not going to be busy, I bet you anything xD hahaha yesterday wasn't bust but we got enough customers to kill time..still I wanted to go home before 11pm. stinky cleaning up hahaha. yes getting to relax and chill with people I havent seen in a while~ Time to find a new job too! ...and I still haven't called in sick ..gotta lie lol but i am kind of sick but sick enough to go out hahaha...ok this is weird..feels like im talking to myself.

Had a great weekend, after work saturday went out to bubble tea, then sunday spent time at playdium with my baby brother and friends. The mens hockey game was on T.V. and funny thing is my friend was playing this game to win lots of tickets and she got the jackpot..of 600 tickets! Right after Canada's got a goal in OT! it was awesome. hahaha we were all happy so a few more friends came out with us to bubble tea (i know..again lol) and had some bbt, celebrating Canada's victory...we have the most gold medals...breaking the olympic record xD which is niceee!!!!!! cars were hoking, people were screaming, canada's flag being raised high!!!! Indeed, go Canada go. We rule <3

proud Canadian ^-^v...eh xD